| Leeds United's Pre-Season Tour of Sweden July 2000 |
Just got back from the pre-season tour of Sweden.........
I must say how impressed I was with the country as a whole and
how friendly and accommodating the natives were. All the blokes look
like them beardy fckers from ABBA and the lasses either look like :
(i) Blonde bombshell Ulrika Johnson or
(ii) Fat faced Tomas Brolin/Jayne Torville minging porkers with VPL
factor high.
Luckily most folk in Sweden speak excellent English cos it is almost
impossible to try and get remotely close to pronouncing any Swedish
words...let alone stringing coherent sentences together.
1st game - 19/7/2000 Panos Ljungskille 3 Leeds United 5
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Ljungskille (approx. pronunciation "Young Sheila") were the best side
that we faced. A team that have recently played in the top flight of the
Swedish league but have slipped to the division below.
The ground was not easy to get to - for it was a tortuous 25 minute hike
up from the town, that made the North Face of the Eiger look like a
pancake. Thankfully there was an excellent bar en-route which was the
gathering point for 30 or so Leeds fans. Top beer. Top banana.
At the summit we were greeted by a neat little stadium but this would
certainly struggle to gain anything like a League status certificate in
England. 8 to get in. The first thing I noticed was a giant Leeds
player warming up. Viduka ! Or so I thought. It turned out to be David
"Donkey" Hay. Gutted.
I was quite surprised to see us playing 3 up front and when we attacked
it looked good but with stiffer opposition we would have suffered with
only 3 in the middle of the park.
Ljungskille were up for it but Leeds played some neat football with
McPhail pulling the strings. Huckerby played with a verve not often seen
from this useless gimp and the home defence admired the back of his new
skinhead haircut as he sped through them.
Smithy looked hopelessly lost, he didn't know where to play. Was he a
winger ? was he in the middle ? He didn't know. His touch looked piss
poor. A Swedish fan asked me if Smithy was an apprentice, making up the
numbers. In a way he was right.
O'Leary spent the whole game moaning at Bridges -
"BRIDGES ! DROP BACK !"
"BRIDGES ! GET ON THE LAST MAN !"
"BRIDGES ! WHERE ARE MY SLIPPERS ?!"
Bowyer looked like he'd pissed it up most the summer and was a yard or
two off the pace. However Ollie Dacourt was superb. He only played 45
mins but he tackled like a demon and his passing was neat and
uncomplicated. He is the nearest thing to Batty that we could have hoped
for.
A quick word about the defence - Danny Hay is fooking useless.
We were 2-1 up at half-time and clearly the better side. Huckerby scored
from 12 yards and Bowyer headed bravely home at the far post.
Hot Dogs with impenetrable skins were on the menu at half time.
2nd half - wholesale changes and a new 3-4-3 formation
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Robinson in goal flapped and looked very uncomfortable especially from
crosses. Young Sheila realised we were struggling in the air and
bombarded us for the last 15 minutes.
Molenaar was very impressive. He was strong and his passing and his
composure were excellent. Woody played well along side but Duberry is
always likely to cause chest pains in even the healthiest of supporters.
Perhaps the most pleasing aspect of the night (along with Dacourt) was
the partnership of Jones and McPhail in the centre of the midfield. They
decided to get a grip of the game and dictate the play. Both looked very
neat and it looks like Jones is maturing into a very good player.
The home team clawed the game back to 2-2 and we looked a bit shaky
until Ian Harte mesmerised their keeper with a beauty of a free kick
from 20 yards. A loud mouthed Chelsea fan had been taking the piss out
of us at 2-2 so when Hartey pounced I made it clear to the Southern
caaant that he could shove it up his big fat London ass.
Leeds stepped on the gas. Mr. Fucking Big Gob Chelsea was silent.
Huckerby continued to dumbfound the Leeds fans by destroying their full
backs and created a superb goal for Smith. Jones scored with a
spectacular over-head kicked after his initial shot rebounded from the
keeper.
Plenty of credit to Young Sheila, they battled very hard and made life
difficult for an obviously superior skilled team. They got a deserved
3rd goal close to time and nearly made it 4 in the final minute.
Man of the Match : Darren Huckerby (what am I saying ?!)
1st Half 4-3-3
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marks out of 10 after each player.
Martyn 6
Mills 6 Hay 5 Radebe 6 Harte 7
Bowyer 6 Dacourt 7 McPhail 7
Smith 5 Bridges 6 Huckerby 7
2nd Half 3-4-3
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Robinson 4
Duberry5 Molenaar7 Woodgate6.5
Kelly5 Jones7 McPhail Harte*
Smith Bridges Huckerby
* replaced by Evans with approx 10 mins to go
Goals
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1st half Huckerby,Bowyer
2nd half Jones, Smith, Harte
2nd game - 22/7/2000 Lysekil 1 Leeds United 7
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Lysekil (approx. pronunciation "Lisa Sheels" - nice lass) were the
worst side we faced.
A ridiculously hot day, sea air in this nice little seaside haunt, lots
of strong pre-match lager. This lethal combination may have seriously
affected my judgement of this game. Ok - I was bladdered.
Mysteriously i thought the result of this game was 1-5. I later heard it
was 1-7 and that Viduka had scored a hattrick. If that was the case i
missed 2 of Viduka's goals whilst i was in the bog draining the old
snake. The longest piss in history.
Why were 44 men running around the pitch ? I had to watch the game with
one eye shut.
The ground was bizzare. Only one small stand on one side of the pitch
and the opposite stand was a collection of rocks piled high into the
sky. As a result of the poxyness...i mean quaintness of the stadium it
was easy to get close to the players.
I spoke (...erm.. slavered all over him more like) to Smithy before the
game and he confirmed that Big Vidooks was playing. Smithy looked pissed
off as he knew that Viduka's arrival had sent him down the pecking
order. Only Huckerby and Joey Deacon are now below him.
I secured Eddie Gray's autograph and as I stood outside the changing
rooms hoping to catch a glimpse of more of my heroes I saw something
that i wish i hadn't. The door flung open and Michael Dubbery's "old
fella" appeared at the back of the room. I looked at it, it looked at
me. I warned nearby children to avert their eyes.
It is true what they say about Black men.
I met fellow listers Raffe and Paul Cadd - who must have thought I was
bonkers/pissed.
I am/was.
1st half 4-3-3
--------------
Martyn 6.5
Kelly 6.5 Molenaar 7 Woody 7 Hartey 7
Bowyer 6 Jones 7 McPhail 6.5
Huckerby 5 Viduka 9 Bridges 5
2nd half 4-3-3
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Martyn
Mills 6.5 Dubes"The Length" 6.5 Rads 6.5 Hartey
Bowyer Jones McPhail
Smith 6.5 Viduka Kewell 5.5
Not too much to say except Leeds murdered them and never had to get into
anything like top gear. First impressions of Viduka are that he is
fooking awesome. Great in the air, superb on the deck, very very strong
and enough tricks to keep even the best defenders on their toes.
I was pissed though.
Molenaar played another solid game and Jones looked the part. Kewell was
a major disappointment but as he only played 45 mins on the whole tour i
can only assume he had had a knock.
Of the goals I saw.... Harte cracked in 2 penalties, Bridges forced an
own goal, Smith scored a cracking header and Viduka tapped home after a
brilliant quick freekick.
Fuck knows what Viduka's other two goals were like. Raffe, Caddy did you
see them ?
After the game I spoke to a few players and all the subs legged it to
the burger stall near the ground to fill their faces when out of sight
of Mr O'Leary. Great pre-season preparation !
Man of the Match : Mark Viduka
"Old Lad" of the Match : Michael Duberry.
3rd game - 24/7/2000 Jonkoping Sodra 1 Leeds United 5
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Jonkoping (approx. pronunciation "Yun Cher Ping)
Lovely stadium and an excellent crowd. The PA man was the only geezer
who got close to getting the Leeds players names right. McPhail was a
particular problem for the Swedish tongues (ooooeeeeerrrrrr!)
The pitch was too grassy and the pre-match storm caused all the Leeds
players to struggle with their footing. Rads had to change his boots as
he was on his arse for the first 10 mins.
Loads of Scandinavian Leeds fans here who tried to create an atmosphere
but they sounded like they were on helium. We are Leeds Squeak Squeak.
I made sure my long suffering girlfriend, Louise, kept me completely
sober for this game.
We were right on the touchline for this game and as a result could hear
lots of things the players were saying and could really appreciate how
shite Mr Huckerby is.
1st Half 4-3-3
----------------
Robbo 6
Mills 7 Duberry 7 Radebe 8 Harte 6.5
Bowyer 6 Dacourt 8 McPhail 6
Smith 8.5 Viduka 8 Bridges 6.5
2nd Half 4-3-3
----------------
Robbo
Kelly 5 Duberry Radebe Evans 4.5
Bowyer Dacourt Bakke 6
Smith Bridges Huckerby 4
subs/ Molenaar 6, Hay 4, Jones 6.5
I got a good close look at Viduka. My analysis, this time not clouded by
alcohol and the sun, was still very favourable.
The guy is just what we need. He holds the ball up well and is strong in
the air. That's not to mention his excellent touch and twisting turns
around the box.
I'll stick my neck out here - he could become the best Leeds United
striker since the Halcyon days of Clarke and Jones.
He has Chapman's presence, Cantona's touch and Yeboah's eye for goal.
6million well spent.
The game was a good one. Leeds played some lovely football. Smith was a
revelation and his combination with the V-Bomber and Bridges was a joy
to watch. Bridges played in bursts but continually looked the wrong side
of defenders and as he is a bit a piss weed he lost out in most
confrontations.
Radebe was a rock at the back apart from in the first few minutes he
collided with Duberry and allowed the hosts to score a shock goal.
Duberry has the highest pitched voice in football since Alan Ball. He
was shouting at Mills all match but only dogs and bats could have heard
him. "Squeak Squeak hold the line baldy squeak"
I was revelling in how much you could hear from the line - "You fucking
dickhead!" threatened Bridges to one of their players who had the
audacity to try and tackle him.
"that's a fucking foul throw!" growled Smithy to the line.
"Fuck off !" said Smithy to someone in the crowd who taunted him when we
trailed 1-0. The impetuous Smith also added a "V" to his tormentor.
"Christ ! these sausage skins are tough" opined Huckerby during a post
match snack
Smithy and Rads were booked.
Dacourt was sublime in the middle of the park. His tackling was
frightening for a pre-season friendly. Again I reckon this guy is going
to be a star for Leeds. He doesn't waste a pass and kicks ass. Simple.
The Leeds machine rolled into action. Bowyer scored from the edge of the
box as Harte cleverly played him through. Smith tucked the ball past the
keeper after Viduka's deft touch and on the stroke of half time the
defence collided with each other to allow Bridges to calmly take the
ball past the keeper and roll it into the empty net from an acute angle.
"Leedsh Unishted" chanted our Swedish squeakers.
"Vun Meekal Britches"
Bridges smiled nervously.
There was a fab band on at half time and Harry K on the bench tapped his
legs in appreciation.
2nd half
Viduka was rested. :-(
Leeds continued to press and Bridges fired home from close range after
an inspired Smith robbed a defender and crossed in low. Smith then
scored a cracker from 15 yards, turning on a sixpence and slotting home.
What little pressure our defence came under was not dealt with
particularly well. Young Gareth Evans (Gaz to his team mates) at this
moment in time is not adequate back up for the 1st team (in fact I'm
amazed he made this tour.) His touch is OK but his positional sense was
shocking. Even Duberry looked embarrassed for the lad.
Kelly was hopeless. His passing and crossing left a lot to be desired.
After the 3 pre-season games I have to admit for the first time I
actually think Mills, on current form, is the better of the two right
backs. I know this is hasty and I have been drinking but Kelly is
possibly the weakest player in our "best XI."
Man Of The Match : Alan Smith
Tour Conclusions
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* Viduka and Dacourt are class players
* Jones and Molenaar are ready to play significant parts in the coming
season
* Hay and Evans should be shot.
* Duberry has got a huge nosher but cant play football.
* Our central defence cover is threadbare.
* We need left back cover.
* 4-3-3 is too much of a luxury.
* Huckerby will continue to frustrate all and sundry.
* Bridges and Smith still need to improve but show signs of sheer class.
* Bowyer needs to get his act together or face the consequences.
* Sadly Wilcox did not play at all. We need his composure and balance on
the left.
Finally.....
* Pre-season tours are excellent - I can recommend them to everyone
:-)
cheers,
Stotty
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