Police in South Wales are considering two new weapons in order to combat
the growing trend of football disorder in Cardiff.
Firstly after the rough treatment of the police dogs at Ninian Park in
which hooligans were seen to aim kicks at the dogs, the constabulary are
set to introduce Police snakes. These poisonous vipers will have a rigid
metal leash which allow the snake handler to direct the snake at
potential troublemakers. Early tests have been favourable and only 2
trainee snake handlers have suffered temporary paralysis from stray
bites.
Secondly the police have added a unique modification to their already
highly effective water cannon. Instead of water the cannon will be
filled with piss. This will give the Cardiff fans a taste of their own
medicine, quite literally. The local public houses' urinals will be
tapped in order to produce a fresh supply for the big matches. Again
tests have been favourable and Carling have already shown interest in a
sponsorship deal. 9 out of 10 victims couldn't tell the difference.
All of the new police initiatives will be partly funded by the charity
bin at Ninian Park - also known as the away enclosure. So far 18 million
quid has been collected this season.
Sam Hamman, the Cardiff chairman and hero of the notorious R-Soul Crew
hooligans was unavailable for comment as he was having his eyebrows
trimmed.
David O'Leary the Leeds manager is already planning his next book - "My
Cardiff Hell" a 6 part epic that sees a fire breathing, piss slinging,
coin throwing dragon slain by a naive youngster using only a slingshot
and a baby spud.
December 2001
-----------------------------
HARTE ATTACK
Sunday 28th October 2001
-----------------------------
Battered Haddock and large chips x 2
Jumbo sausage and steak and kidney pie side dish.
1 loaf of mighty white with tub of "Look After Yourself" low cal spread
Meditate on settee with legs raised and eyes closed.
strap bags of crisps to feet and do 50 situps
mini Chocolate chip cookie reward for each sit up plus bonus cookie every
5 situps.
Supper
----------
Dial a pizza.
18-inch meat feast thick crust extra pepperoni.
double cheese garlic bread.
A low fat yoghurt.
Let dog back in.
12 step ups.
Bed.
Sunday 28th October 2001
-----------------------------
Jeff Powell of the Sunday People said that Robbie
Keane "smashed" Beckham in the face.
A simple question for simple Jeff - have you ever
watched WWF ?
Its not actually real you know.
Wednesday 10th October 2001
-----------------------------
Keano ! there's only one Keano.
Having listened to the game on the radio I eagerly
awaited the goals on the box
Well if it isn't the shortest hatrick in the history
of football then Bin Laden is a Yorkshireman.
Goal 1- Bakke heads on, Keane pops up out of a trap door and nods it in
with a stray wisp of hair...Distance 3 yards.
Goal 2- Bakke heads back Harte's cross, Keane pounces. He has 8 swings at it and
on his ninth it goes in. Distance 7 yards.
Goal 3- Bakke heads on, Viduka shot bounces to Keane.
Keane trips over a twig and the ball goes in off his shin...Distance 4yards.
Total Distance 14 yards - Good
on ya Robbie lad.
Glad that fat
f@cker scored too.
Monday 8th October 2001
------------------------
Why Sinclair will join Leeds.
So Tricky Trev has decided to bail out from the Hammers. Can you blame
him ? Redknapp's gone, Rio's departed and Fat Frank has jumped ship.
Expect Paulo Di Canio to be the next to demand showdown talks with the
Chairman.
So what's Sinclair's plan then ? Well he's just been called up into the
England squad. England have just qualified for the World Cup finals, and
at 28 this could be his last chance to represent his country in a major
tournament.
Having obviously caught the ubiquitous Sven G Eriksson's eye he must now
feel that joining a high profile club will improve his chances of
getting on that plane in the mad scramble to get to the far East.
Time is running out. West Ham are in the bottom 3. Time to leave.
So where will he go ? Its no secret that both Newcastle and Sunderland
have been chasing Sinclair. However both these sides are still bubbling
under in the Premiership stakes and Sven has a penchant for only picking
players from the Big 4 (and at a push from Chelsea if he can find an
Englishman in their team)
Look at Kevin Phillips. A goal scoring record second to none at club
level. Can he get in the team ? Does he make the squad ? NO, NO, NO !
If Sinclair played out of his skin for Sunderland (or Newcastle) its
unlikely he'd make more of an impact than Phillips has over the past 2-3
seasons there. So he's got no chance if he goes there. It may seem
unfair but that's life.
So Trevor has to look to the top 4. Man U, Arsenal, Leeds or Liverpool.
I dont believe Man U would make a bid, Liverpool have 8 billion
midfielders and Arsenal have enough superstars sitting on the bench
without having another clicking his heels in frustrations.
That leaves Leeds. But what about Kieron Dyer ? A done deal. Not if you
listen to the man himself it isnt. Only today Dyer re-iterated his
desire to pull on the famous black and white barcode shirt after injury.
It could be bullshit but if he was offski on a done deal to Leeds why
would he not just keep his trap shut ? Oh yeah he's a thick footballer.
There is no Dyer deal. Certainly not at 20 million plus for a crock.
Sinclair at 8 million would represent good value for Leeds. Four or five
years from a top class right sided midfielder who is in his prime.
A move to Leeds would suit us. A move to Leeds would suit him.
A Northerner back in the North. Everyone's happy and Sven's approval
will ensure that after Sir Clive, Trevor is the most famous Sinclair of
all time.
If Sven rates him then he must be "half tidy" as the East End cockney
fans would say..
...or maybe he'll make the short trip across the capital to Chelsea.
I forgot that we were skint.
--
stotty
Saturday 6th October 2001
------------------------
England scrape through. I love that Beckham fella. It makes me so proud
that he is English. Pity his wife is such a dog.
Great to see Alan Hansen pretending to be pleased that England got to
Japan when his own piss poor nation Scotland are flapping about like old
biddies in an "Everything for a Pound" Shop.
Piss off back up tae chilly Jockoland and take that plastic tw@t
Ally McCoist with yer.
What, or who to be more exact, that really annoyed me today was Richard
Keys on SKY TV. I never thought I'd ever find anyone I detested more
than Eamonn Holmes on TV but I think Mr.Keys has knocked the Irish Scum
fan from top spot.
When Greece scored their first goal Keys was quick to blame Rio for the
goal. How many professional matches has Keysey played ? How many times
has he pulled on an England shirt ? None. How can some w@nker like that
who one minute is arse licking the pro players on screen be so bitchy
behind their backs ? Oh it makes my blood boil it does.
For the record it wasn't Rio's fault. Ashley Cole could have done
better, Rio could have done better and had Martyn's arms been 2 foot
longer he may have done better. Why does everything have to be someone's
fault ? If in doubt blame Bin fucking Laden - not RIO !
Richard Keys - fuck off back to breakfast TV where you belong. Or
Scotland.
Ian Harte's free kick against Cyprus was a beauty. Will he get the
headlines though ? No. Mr Beckham and his silly hair and fake plastic
girlfriend will.
Good luck to them. One day they'll be ugly and I'll be sober.
stotty.
Friday 5th October 2001
------------------------
Bollocks bollocks bollocks. Leeds are top of the league and there's nowt
to moan about. For christ sakes can we start dropping some bloody points
soon so we can get back to our whingeing best.
I blame O'Leary. His tactics are so piss poor it even confuses the
opposition into submission.
Well a few things have got my goat this week.
1. Mark Viduka is a fat lazy get. Can he run ? Can he bollocks. Going
downhill to the chippy he may break out into a trot out of pure
anticipation of his next pie and chips fix. He'd certainly have to get a
5 seater taxi back.
The lard arse. Cant wait til Smiffy's back and Blob goes off to play for
Australia (if they can get a plane powerful enough to take off with his
belly on board)
"bing bong...this is your captain speaking...will Mr.Viduka please move
to the back of the plane to assist us during take off....and get yer
nose out of the fridge you fat bloater"
2.Why do the club make out we going to sign 3 players soon ? Its all
bollocks. The truth of it is we are SKINT. We are brassic. We are
potless, penniless, well and truly broke.
Why doesn't our affable chairman and our numpty brain manager just admit
it.
O'Leary's been rumoured to have been watching some wonder kid in
Argentina. Playing 18 holes more like with his poncey golfing mates or
sunning it up with his Grand Prix chums in Monte Carlo.
Benders the lot of them.
COME CLEAN RIDSDALE ! WE ARE FUCKING SKINT !
3.Why do people keep saying "Dyer is as good as signed ?" My mate
Dave
has a mate who goes into his local boozer who reckons Dyer was seen
looking at houses in Chapletown. It must be bleeding true then.
4. Finally - Lee Bowyer - top class footballer ? URBAN MYTH ! can he
pass a ball ? Can he fuck.
Good luck to Nigel Martyn tomorrow. England need to win. Who could
forget Poland 1974 ? or was it 73 ?
Anyway - fingers crossed Nige that you dont do any major fuck ups
against Greece and if you do I hope one of the Nevilles cocks up even
worse so everyone blames them instead of you.
stotty
p.s Leeds youngster Wesley Boyle has just scored for N.Ireland U21s.
He's not fat so I'll give the lad a chance.
