Kungsbacka XI 0 v Leeds 6

1st hour:-
Martyn
Mills Dubes Rio Candel-Sheriff
Bowyer Batty McFrail Kewell
Viduka Smith

Last half hour:-

Martyn
Kelly Rads Matteo Harte
Burns Bakke Ollie Wilcox
Smith Keane

Kungsbacka is 20km south of Gothenburg. The travel guide I have
describes it as having little interest to tourists. They weren't wrong.
As a result the town is not geared up to deal with many outsiders. Its a
local place for local people. On this sweltering day the little town was
packed to the brim with Leeds fans of all nationalities and belly sizes.

The town has only one hotel and that was where the Leeds team were
staying. 3 hours before kick off a lone Scandinavian man with a not too
dissimilar resemblance to the serial killer in "Manhunter" sat watching
the hotel like a hawk for any curtain twitches or glimpses of a bare
Leeds player's arse.

Earlier in the day the woman who owned the guesthouse we were staying in
casually announced that her local paper said that Leeds had just signed
a 20-odd year old for millions of pounds.

After a few puzzled looks we all came to the same conclusion - KIERON
DYER ! I leapt about - the final piece in the jigsaw at last.

Five minutes later the aforementioned paper was produced and we were
greeted by a huge picture of Rio Ferdinand. Oh f*ck ! she'd got it
wrong.

No Dyer but at least we still had Jacob Burns. Whallop !

Kungsbacka are a fifth rate Swedish team and they obviously decided that
they needed some assistance in taking on last season's Champions League
semi-finalists. They brought in about 15 ringers from the upper echelons
of the Swedish football league. Some of them top division players and
not bad too.

The players who finished the previous game lined up and the tannoy gave
the Leeds players a big build up. "Number 8 - IAN BOWYER !" cried the
announcer. The Leeds players fell about, Millsey nearly wet himself.
These footballers are easily amused.

Everyone in the Kungsbacka team seemed to be called Andersson and had
blonde hair and wore socks with ABBA embroided into them.

The 1st half was a real test for Leeds. The game took on a familiar
pattern. Leeds in control but finding it tough to break down a resolute
defence. The only man capable of unlocking it was Harry Kewell. He burst
through into the box and a mistimed challenge with a bit of added Kewell
theatricals gave Leeds a penalty.

With no Harte on the pitch it was left to Smithy to blast home the
opener.

Minutes later the Kungsbacka Allstars attack pulled the Leeds defence
all over the place. With Radebe, Duberry and Cansdell-Sherriff-Badge all
being drawn to the ball like wasps to a jam jar the play was spread wide
and the unmarked winger beat Martyn from 15 yards only to see his shot
hit the post. A lucky escape for Leeds and Kungsbacka one and only
chance was gone.

Leeds never really looked liked scoring again before the break and it
was a disappointing 1-0 at half time.

To save our blushes further Kungsbacka replaced some of their better
players with some really shite ones. Not surprisingly the game changed.

Kewell latched onto a smart through ball and lobbed the advancing
keeper. Top class finish.

On the hour the team changed round again. Keane and Dacourt made an
immediate impact.

The Leeds players who had been subbed warmed down in front of us. When I
say "warmed down" I mean they pissed about scoffing ice creams. The
litter they left behind was embarrassing. Rio, Bowyer and Duberry sat in
their little clique - the London Massif. It was all Apple-and-Pears
this, strike-a-light that. It was more interesting watching the players
off the pitch than the ones on it !

Millsey was eyeing up any bit of Swedish skirt that he could - his
shorts pulsating in the heat. As if these blonde goddesses would be
interested in an ugly bald bastard like him !

If it moved then Duberry and Rio took the piss. A young lad in a leather
jacket got loads of stick - mind you the jacket was 10 sizes too big for
him, and pink. A young girl approached for an autograph - the London
Massif politely asked where her mum was.

Millsey continued to scour the crowd for a bit of Scando porn action to
take back to his hotel room. His scoring record off the pitch is not
much better than his success rate on it. He'd be better suited to going
in goal so at least he could get to use his hands.

Bowyer took off his socks and the London boys played keepy-uppy with the
rolled up, sweaty, makeshift ball.

Goody-Goody Kewell and Viduka quietly watched the game. Batty did also
but Millsey soon pointed out some spare chicks in the crowd and the hard
man's head was turned. So to speak.

Back to the game.

Dacourt and Bakke outshone the poor pairing of McFrail and Batty and
soon the chances came thick and fast. Wilcox continued where Kewell had
left off.

Keane beat 2 men and left the keeper on his arse before rattling the
post. Wilcox drilled the rebound home. Keane squeaked with delight.

Smith and Wilcox then combined neatly and set up Keane to score with
ease. Leeds swarmed all over their makeshift opponents.

Wilcox fell over the ball and Rio et al peed themselves laughing.

In the last 10 minutes Bakke escaped clear of the defence and as he
stumbled Keane followed up, rounded the keeper and nudged the ball home.
Beautifully done. A somersault ensued.

From a similar position Smith produced a carbon copy finish and Leeds
ran out slightly flattering 6-0 winners.

As the players evaporated into the throes of the baying autograph mad
crowd a few young boys contemplated the debris/souvenirs that the subs
had left behind. Would their schoolmates really believe that Rio
Ferdinand had actually drunk from that old Lucozade bottle ?

Later that evening we passed the players hotel and the same man still
stalked the building from across the road. As we turned the corner the
Leeds players were out in force at the side of the hotel swigging
bottles of designer lager. The poor sod hadn't noticed them. Viduka and
Burns were at the cashpoint getting out a wad of cash for that evenings
pie extravaganza.

For the next hour I was high on the excitement of meeting my heros and
relived the brief exchange of words I had with them over and over again.

My girlfriend wanted to shag them all there and then. Except Millsey, of
course.

Scores
--------
Martyn - 6 - Had one shot to deal with and that hit the post.
Mills 7 - more interested in the Swedish birds than playing.
Rio&Dubes - 7 - Only made one mistake between them.
Candsell-Sheriff - 7 -This lad is going to be a star. Needs a bit more
time in the reserves to learn his trade but his touch is very good.
Bowyer - 6 - strangely subdued - hungover perhaps?
Batty - 6 - Looked a little off the pace.
McFrail - 5 - Showed no desire to impose himself. A shamming shithouse
of a player. Seemed like he was playing hide'n'seek.
Kewell-9- A masterclass in taking the piss out of shite fullbacks
Viduka - 7 - Nice turns, spins etc but threatened little in the box.
Smiffy -8- Aggressive little sod but showed good flashes of skill

Subs/

Special mentions for Dacourt who put McFrail to shame,Keane who was
everywhere and destroyed their defence. Wilcox again tried hard but
after Kewell's one man show he was always going to struggle to impress.

Man of Match : yet again....Harry Kewell.

Click to return to Stotty's homepage