Here is the match report for the 1st game :-

Thursday 26 July 2001

Jonkoping Sodra 0 v Leeds 6

1st hour:-
Milosevic
Kelly Rads Matteo Harte
Burns Bakke Ollie* Wilcox
Viduka Keane

*Ollie limped off for McPhail @halftime,nothing serious thankfully.

Last half hour:-
Milosevic
Mills Dubes Rio Cansdell-Sherriff
Bowyer Batty McFrail Kewell
Viduka Smith

Last year we beat this team 5-1 in a lovely stadium with a cracking
atmosphere. However, this year the game was switched to a poxy backwater
venue which only attracted a crowd of 1007.

To make matters worse the ground only had one meagre stand rented from
Subbuteo and due to some bizarre reasons the club officials deemed it
unsafe to allow fans to stand anywhere behind the goals. Maybe they
thought Huckerby with his uncontrollable shooting boots was still
playing for us.

At first the crowd gathered behind the Leeds goal. A man in a blue bib
told everyone to move away to the already crowded side of the pitch. An
old geezer told Blue Bib to "do one" and Blue Bib left it. For the 1st
half we enjoyed our privileged vantage point while Blue Bib spat out
half a ton of goose feathers.

On entering the ground though it wasn't the humble surroundings that
caught the eye but it was the flash of blonde hair in a Leeds shirt that
was warming up on the pitch. For a second I thought we'd signed Billy
Idol. On closer inspection it was in fact Smiffy who, with his new
bleached barnet and a Rebel Yell, was shouting "more ! more ! more !"

My heart sunk as a high pitched squeak from the corner of the pitch told
me that Duberry was here and fit again. Dozens of stray dogs ran towards
Duberry's nonsensical high frequency broadcasts. Lord help us.

The teams lined up. O'Leary had decided to play half of his best XI and
half his second best XI so at the very least Duberry could get to learn
from somebody quite good.

The British National Anthem blared out from some 3 watt speakers and the
Irish contingent - Messrs Harte, Kelly and Keane looked nervously at
their boots. An affronted O'Leary was throwing potatoes at the DJ's
hut/garden shed to shut him up. The National Anthem wasn't repeated at
the other games.

The game was a stroll for Leeds but it wasn't made easy by the extra
length of grass that was left on the pitch. Keane normally such a fluent
runner with the ball kept leaving the ball behind as if he were playing
on a pitch of treacle. Viduka has his spoon at the ready.

For all their possession though, Leeds lacked fluency mainly because any
ball to Burns down the right usually resulted in a goal kick or a throw
in to them. Viduka dropped too deep and despite his clever spins and
turns was never going to hurt the opposition from 40 yards out. Keane
tried to make headway through the knee length bamboo grass but its not
easy running with your shorts tucked into your socks trying to avoid
rattle snakes.

Thankfully for Leeds, Eirik Bakke was in excellent form. He looked
hungry for the ball and along with Dacourt they had a complete
stranglehold on the midfield. Ollie in true style pulled no punches and
his rasping challenges bellied the insignificance of this fixture.

Jonkoping (probably the equivalent of a Conference side in England) were
a determined outfit and defended pretty well against far superior
opposition. One tackle left Dacourt on the ground and he eventually went
off to be replaced by McFrail.

Now that we'd given up down Burnsey's right, Leeds fed Wilcox plenty of
ball down the left. Jason, however, was a bit too over-eager to impress
and the harder he tried the worse his crossing became. He was getting
angry with himself and the crowd behind the goal, especially those in
glasses, moved two paces back whenever he got the ball.

Leeds looked a disjointed mess. The locals were scratching their heads
and wondering whether a trip to IKEA would have been more exciting than
watching this crap.

After much huffing and puffing Leeds scored. Well - it was an own goal
to be precise. Bakke ghosted down the right and his driven cross was
whalloped home by the defender just as Viduka stooped to belly it in.

Keane was pole-axed in the box but the referee turned a blind eye. The
air turned blue as Keane launched a volley of abuse at the officials.
Luckily Keane's Dubbery-type 100Ghz squawks we're not within the
referee's audible range.

Bakke, on a mission, then volleyed in Kelly's right wing cross and
Viduka's deft chip over the advancing keeper kept the half time score
respectable. At the other end the only use for Milosevic's gloves was to
keep his hands warm.

During the interval Blue Bib had called for reinforcements to force back
the baying mob (mainly 3 year old kids and old age pensioners) from
behind the goal.

The cavalry appeared in the shape of 2 blokes who looked liked they had
bought a home T-shirt making kit and had decided to knock up a couple of
security shirts. It obviously had the desired effect as the crowd
instantly responded to these 2 men and moved away from the firing line.
One of the security men had a medallion and some visible chest hair and
although their t-shirts didn't match in either colour or style they
obviously scared the shit out of the locals. Blue Bib's grin was
immeasurable.

This left about 700 people crammed down one side of a pitch trying to
see what was going on. Madness.

Early in the second half Bakke bundled his way through 2 tackles on the
right and shot/crossed to the far post. From where we were it looked
like Keane got the last touch but nobody really knew as they were either
asleep, in the bog or simply couldn't see through the other supporters
and long grass. It was eventually agreed that Bakke got the goal.

On the hour O'Leary made wholesale changes. It looked like a scene from
"The Full Monty" as the players stripped off in unison.

Enter Kewell, Bowyer, Batty, Mills, Smith, Rio - internationals all. And
Duberry.

The game came to life mainly due to one man. Enter Mr Harry Kewell. If
ever a team needed a fillip then Leeds needed H. He made a mockery of
the Swedish part-timers and every time he received the ball he tormented
the hosts with his dazzling runs and neat crossing.

After one superb run Kewell squared for the lively Bowyer who crashed
the ball into the corner. The Australian's feat was repeated as he
cruised to the byline and his deep cross was majestically nodded home by
Billy Idol at the far post.

6-0 - job done. A stuttering performance from Leeds but for the 1st pre-
season game this was a reasonable start. For half an hour we had the
pleasure of watching a future star in the making at left back. Shane
Cansdell-Sherriff, mark my words, will become an international
superstar. If only he had a snappier name.

As the players left the pitch the lone figure of Gunga Din Brian Kidd
struggled off carrying all the kit and water bottles. Oh how the mighty
have fallen.

Billy Idol stood patiently for a good 10 minutes signing autographs to
the enthralled Scando kids. What a lovely, lovely lad.

Scores
--------
Milosevic - 6 - Nowt to do so played Game Boy Advance for 90 mins
Kelly 6 - saw lots of ball but was useless with it
Rads&Matteo - 7 - a stroll in the park
Harte - 7 - Married life hasn't changed nephew - no pace, but has 2 good
feet. His wife misunderstood his chat up line and thought he meant 24
inches.
Burns - 4 -simply not good enough. You are the weakest Chink - Goodbye !
Ollie - 7.5 - Took a knock but was a different class.
Bakke - 8 - Got involved, scored twice and claimed an assist.
Wilcox-7- Tried hard to impress but his final ball was poor.
Viduka - 7 - Looked big and strong i.e. Fat. Tired badly but scored a
cracker.
Keane -5- Disappointing that he made little impact against a bunch of
lard arsed part-timers.

Subs/
Special mentions to -

Cansdell-Sherriff(7.5/10) who looked the part at left back and
Kewell (9) danced past their defence at will. A genius.

Man of the Match - Harry Kewell who did more in 30 mins than the rest of
the others combined.

Click to return to Stotty's homepage