Sun 29 Sept 2001
A big thanks to guest report : Nigel "Maggie" Barber
Ipswich 1 Leeds 2
At 3:59pm yesterday I thought I finally had it all sussed. The day
started with me having a possibly great get-rich-gradually idea that
gave me a woody. The upward curve continued after a hefty fry up with
the life-changing discovery of Andrex moistened toilet tissues. Where
have been all my life, O gently perfumed towelletes?
The drive to Ipswich was a breeze, the town was small and pleasant, the people
were
unforcedly friendly and the list meet was a model of its kind. Yes, I
had the world under control. I could lift the veil and see its simple
inner workings. It was all so laughably straightforward. Then the game
kicked off and I realised that I knew absolutely fuck all.
How could the team that had just had a tiring trip to Moscow have by far
the more energy? How could a team of professionals who allegedly
practise for many hours per day make so many elementary mistakes, the
kind of which would have a pub side cringing into their half-time cans of Skol?
How the fuck
did we get to top the league playing like a bag of shite? Search me. I'm
just a mug who pays top dollar to watch our shambolic table toppers. The
trouble is that I think O'Leary is equally clueless - and he's the one
paid over a million smackers a year to figure it all out. No wonder he
just falls back onto his comforting cliches. After all, football is a
funny old game.
Ipswich are a good _team_ - they have no real stars, no out and out
match winners, but they have been superbly coached in all the elementary
basics that elude our haphazard collection of big-time Charlies. Pass it
quick, move quick, make a yard, get it in the box, support the front
two, work your bollocks off when you lose it. Sounds simple, doesn't it.
Tell that to DOL and Brian Kidd then.
In the first half we were an embarrassing shower as we set the
unofficial record for the number of times caught offside. The linesman's
flag was a dayglo blur. Only luck and poor finishing kept the score
down. Paradoxically, we did create arguably the clearer chances through
our greater individual (key word) talents. 1-0 at the break was the very
least we deserved.
As the second half commenced I could tell our manager had reduced the
comedy quotient by using his interval team talk to arrange the tea cups
in formation to give his gormless charges one of those Offside 101
explanations you usually save for birds in the boozer. It worked. We
were just average now, Ipswich started to defend deeper, and we all
sensed that if we got an equaliser we would go on to win. We did and we
did. In the end our individual (key word again) class told. If only we
had a fraction of Ipswich's team spirit.
Wildly guessed player scores. I may have been sober, but I was day
dreaming of moistened bum wipes.
Martyn: 5. His inability to command his area, especially from awkward
crosses will probably hinder his international ambition. Needs to stand
in the mirror and practise shouting "KEEPERS!!!" whilst trying to
look
hard.
Harte: 6. As average as ever. Needs a few good set pieces to make us
forget his other flaws again. Booed by the tractor boys for getting
Stewart sent off in last season's fixture.
Matteo: 6. Off the skag, but still dabbling with Methodone. Got better
in the 2nd half as the opiate wore off.
Rio: 7. Kept us in it while Matteo did his Renton impression.
Mills: 5.5. Lost his man for the Ipswich goal, and lost his rag far too
often. Lucky not to walk for a horrific two-footed lunge. Booed by the
home fans for his Norwich past. Booked.
Bowyer: 6. Tried wilfully to make up in effort what he lacks in nous.
Batts: 7.5. Please lord, let our David be fit for the full season.
Bakke: 5.5. Looked knackered from the start, and too wasteful with the
ball.
Kewell: 6.5. A match winner. We need them, only without the superstar
ego.
Viduka: 4. Seems to have started the PFA strike prematurely. His
snail-like ambles back onside had to be seen to be believed.
Keane: 7.5. Putting the ghost of Huckerby behind him. Full of good
movement and a model of dynamic effort to Pieman's static indifference.
Loses half a point for not being remotely clinical enough yet.
Subs. Are we allowed them now?
Ref: 6. To his credit, Andy D'Ozy tried to let the game flow but he let
some shocking challenges go unpunished.
Linos: 3. Got lazy and started to assume we were offside for every
attack. Rightfully barracked into submission by the visiting fans.
Maggie B
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