There is something strange about West Ham and my bladder. Earlier in the
season at Elland Road I decided to syphon the python a few seconds
before the break and no soon as i'd unzipped the old fella out of his
pit than another "old chap" - Nigel Winterburn - scored an unlikely
goal.

On Saturday the snake was singing to the same tune. As I closed my eyes,
rocked gently back onto my heels and whistled "Marching On Together" a
huge cheer from above echoed around the urinals. Startled - I jumped and
splashed everywhere.

"Rio ! Rio Ferdinand" came the chant. Two shakes later I was making my
way back up to my seat. I was hoping nobody would notice the lad stain.
For some strange reason I stopped and started to chatting to somebody
I'd never met in my life. When I eventually got to my seat another roar
turned me around. In the mayhem I saw David Batty trudge up the tunnel.
I'd pissed it all and missed it all.

The game was a strange one. There was no real pattern to either side's
play. It was a very compressed and untidy game at times. Leeds were the
more determined and composed side though.

They set about the job purposefully and pushed hard for the opening
goal. A string of good passes saw the ball fall to Kewell out wide and
he made mincement of Dailly before crossing teasingly to the far post.
Harte popped up on the right stick and headed across the goal, Hisplop
parried and before you could say "what's that wet patch?" Keano rammed
the ball home from 8 yards.

West Ham looked beaten already. When Kanoute departed soon after on 10
minutes they looked ready to go on their summer holidays.

Batty and Dacourt got a good grip in the middle and Bakke and Bowyer
worked hard on the flanks. Leeds without Smith or Viduka lacked a focal
point up front. Kewell and Keane ran well with the ball but neither have
the brute strength or aerial ability of our 1st choice strikers. The
ball pinged about the park like an epileptic pinball machine.

For all our possession we gave the ball away a bit too cheaply at times
but it really didn't matter. Footballing genius Cornetto Di Canio and
his protégé Joe "Glass Jaw" Cole both played blindfolded. Both ran well
with the ball but forgot they were allowed to pass it to a better placed
colleague.

Leeds continued to control the game with some ease and Keane missed an
excellent chance to make it 2-0 close to half time. West Ham's best
effort was a Cole shot - and that was in the warm up !

Half time was spent queuing for a pie when I should have been in the
bog. In the end the queue for the food was so long I missed out on the
pie so instead went for the wazz I needed.

2-0 and down to ten men.

For the 1st time Leeds were pushed back. Bowyer and Bakke tucked in to
help the overworked Dacourt. Kewell and Keane lounged about up front
wondering why all the other players were sweating so much.

Brian Kidd leapt about as if an army of ants had just crawled up his
trouser leg. O'Leary stood expressionless in the searing heat in his big
coat munching on some dried lumps of instant mash. Eddie Gray wondered
what he could do to look important.

Martyn made 2 stunning saves and 2 other very good ones to deny West
Ham. A goal then and we may have caved in. A goal then and the West Ham
fans may have actually broken into a song of some description. The
strangely muted cockney sparrows must have had their beaks glued shut.

The Leeds fans ruffled their plumage and sang like larks. "10 men, we've
only got 10 men" we taunted the shandy drinkers. We rubbed further salt
into their gaping wounds by suggesting they had "12 men" as the referee
had clearly made a mistake in sending off Batty. No comment.

West Ham knew it was all over. Their players looked longingly at former
teamate Rio and wondered if they too could one day escape from this East
End cesspit to pastures new. Frank Lampard Jnr - we dont want you - you
are fat and crap. Christian Dailly you are one of the worst defenders
I've ever seen.

Bowyer missed a chance to make it 3-0 as his trickling, scuffed shot
from a lying down position was headed off the line by a snail. Wilcox
replaced Kewell and Leeds sat back and killed the game off. Kelly came
on at the death but didn't get close enough to the ball to touch it, let
alone control it.

A relatively easy win for Leeds which just shows how far we have
progressed in the last few months. Without Stuart Pearce West Ham are,
pardon the expression, fuck all. With him they are not much better.

Scores
-------

Martyn 8 - A 5 minute spell of mayhem in the box but he somehow made 4
excellent saves to keep the Hammers out.

Mills 7.5 - Nice and steady. Great chant of "Danny Mills is fucking
brilliant" from the appreciative Leeds hordes.

Harte 7 - Another 2 assists from the Nephew. Defended ok ( i think)

Rio 8 - got the goal, kept it tight most of the game

Matteo 8 - forming a good partnership with Rio. Radebe - watch out !

Bowyer 8 - Player of the Season without a doubt. Sheringham ? what the
fuck is all that about ?

Dacourt 9 - Had to do 2 mens worth of work once Batty had battered Cole
with an iron bar.

Bakke 7 - his best game for a long time. Put himself about a bit more.
About time you bloody Noggie Nancy !

Batty 6 - silly boy. Was having a great game up til he was needlessly
sent off.

Keane 7 - Got the important opening goal and was always a handful on the
deck but missed playing off a bigger man.

Kewell 7 - Did well for the 1st goal. Pretty quiet game but always
likely to do something special.

subs/

Wilcox (for Kewell)
Kelly (for Keane)

at the end we had no strikers !

Good game, good piss up, 3 good points.

--
stotty

http://www.astott.demon.co.uk

(LUFC match reports, cartoons, and Flash movies)