You can imagine the scene on the Leeds training ground this week....

Eddie : Boss, we've struggled to break down teams this season - West
Ham, Man City, Ipswich, Boro, Villa, Newcastle and the rest....

O'Leary : to be sure

Eddie : so do you think we should maybe practice some scenarios where we
can try and breach a 10 man defence ? You know like pass and move, one-
twos, overlapping fullbacks, central defenders breaking forward - Derby
are certain to come for a point

O'Leary : Oim not paid to tink - Oim just a young naive manager wid his
little babies and potatoes

Eddie : so what are we going to practice then ?

O'Leary : Carners !....... right ! Bowyer you take the carner and play
it short to Wilcox. Wilcox - you wait for a defender to approach and
troy and get anudder carner off of his legs. Hey presto anudder carner -
it makes our stats look good. HEY ! HARTEY MIND THOSE POTATOES !

Eddie : <sigh>

Well as you can probably guess Derby set their stall out for a draw.

The 1st half was dreadful, not as bad as Coventry but still dreadful.
Keane had a chance in the first few minutes to change the whole course
of the game. He weaved his way through the Rams' defence but his shot
was pushed wide by the excellent Oakes.

Leeds continued to have 90% of the play. Batty and Ollie began where
they left off at Everton and had a stranglehold on the midfield. Derby
didn't care.

The visitors looked more content without the ball. Burley marshalled his
midfield into a formidable line which sat in front of another
intimidating line held together by the inspirational West. West who
looked demonic with his bizarre horned hair kept Viduka at bay all
afternoon by sticking his 3-pronged fork into the Aussie's substantial
rear whenever the ball was near. Viduka tried to whack West back with
his hot dog but West was too quick.

Harte playing as a right back (Charlie Brown Mills had taken a sickie
cos he was frightened that Tord Grip may be watching) rarely got
forward, on the left Wilcox appeared to have acres of space. However,
whenever he got the ball he dillied and dallied allowing Derby's blanket
defence to filter across quickly and smother out the threat. Matteo at
left back offered him little useful support.

When we did get round the back or get any corners it was the usual story
- our crossing was criminal. The Bad Crossing Police would have had a
field

"Allo, Allo, Allo - what ave we 'ere then ? Another scuffed cross my son
- I've had my eye on you sunshine and you are gonner be banged up good
and proper"

I'm assuming we do practice set-pieces. Maybe we should practice them
out on a pitch rather than just drawing them on a blackboard.

Derby didn't venture forward much and their best opening fell to Agatha
Christie who inexplicably missed the ball completely. Another mystery.

The first half petered out as if Leeds were happy to wait for the 2nd
half when they'd be attacking their favoured Kop end. Derby were
probably amazed how easy it had been.

Tea cups and potatoes were thrown in the Leeds dressing room.

Leeds started the second half like greyhounds with their arses on fire.
Ollie and Batty drove forward and created some space. Wilcox saw plenty
of ball on the left but again with few accurate crosses. Keane worked
his socks off but was physically intimidated by the Derby giants.
Viduka, well - was Viduka - flick - touch - belch - yawn - burp - nap -
2 yard jog - flick - spin - scratch - wheeze - stumble - pie - itch -
snooze.

For 20 minutes Leeds were superb. Rio stepped out of defence with the
ball and the extra man created space for Leeds. Harte and Dacourt forced
Oakes into fine saves but far too often for my liking the ball just
eluded a Leeds player when it seemed certain we would score. Maybe we
were unlucky but for all our pressure we created very few chances and
had very few shots.

Kewell came onto replace the out of sorts Wilcox to try and give Leeds a
much needed fillip.

Harry also saw plenty of the ball on the left and beat his man on a
number of occasions, but the final ball mysteriously evaded the Leeds
players. Maybe Jim Smith had placed a huge magnet in the ball and the
Derby keeper also had a magnet in his shorts that repelled the ball
every time it went in the Derby area. Or maybe our crossing was just
shite.

Again - do we practice ? or just draw arrows on a chalkboard ?

Smith and Bakke came on as a shocked Elland Road crowd saw Viduka's
number appear on the 4th Official's board. I'm waiting for the day when
players numbers will be in Hexadecimal - that way Viduka could wear a
shirt with "FB" on the back.

Well Smithy replaced "FB" and Eirik the miserable Noggie giant replaced
the shattered Bowyer - It cant be easy playing with a ball and chain
round your ankle.

Smith did nowt except nearly kill a Derby defender. He could have been
sent off but luckily the ref hadn't seen it and the linesman was too
scared to say too much. Bakke also booked.

Time was running out and Kewell switched to the right. He picked up the
ball out wide, cut in, he faked to go inside, switched outside, faked,
cut back in, shimmied, shammied, shommied, shemmied, shummied - the
dizzy defender West fell over - as did most of the fans watching. Kewell
15 yards out teed the ball up onto his blunderbuss left foot.
Whoooooooosh - the ball flew across the face of the goal at a ferocious
speed. I waited for the net to bulge - time stood still - the ball
inched closer - the net waited - I waited - we all waited.... CRONK ! -
it hit somebody in the crowd.

In injury time Derby could have snatched it but a free header went
flying over Martyn's goal, the keeper's head appeared from his sleeping
bag to watch the ball whistle past.

To sum up the day Derby got a corner in the 94th and last minute.
Instead of going for the 3 points they took a short corner to waste
time. I get the feeling if Derby had scored and won then they would have
been upset - they had come for a point - nothing more , nothing less.

They deserved it. They asked the questions. We had the answers but none
of them in the correct order.

Somehow we have managed to creep into 5th place in the division. What a
strange (shit) league this is.

Scores
------

Martyn 6 - Virtual spectator

Harte 6 - Couple of good shots.
Matteo 3 - this guy is hopeless
Radebe 6 - Easy peasy
Rio 8 - Tried to get things going. Sven is gonner love this guy

Bowyer 6 - Looked tired, mentally and physically
Batty 8 - Won everything
Ollie 8 - Passing was dreadful early on but was untouchable 2nd half
Wilcox 4 - His injury has unfortunately turned him into a division 1
player

Viduka 5 - West played him off the park
Keane 6 - Knocked off the ball far too often. A pretty quiet game for
him

subs/

Kewell 7 - a bit rusty but beat his man a few times
Smith 4 - a thug
Bakke x - i dont like him so its unfair to give him 0/10 so he gets x

--
stotty

www.astott.demon.co.uk

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