Football is essentially a simple game. Two teams of 11 try and get a
ball in between rectangles at opposite sides of a pitch without using
their hands( apart from 2 unfit, lazy fat blokes who are allowed to use
their hands)

Leeds have won 3 games out of the last 4 league games. That's top of the
table form (unless there is a rare run-a-way leader) but we havent
really got out of 1st gear.

The best performance this year (2001) has been against Liverpool. We
lost.

You need a mainframe computer the size of Uranus to try and understand
life.

You need an even bigger computer - say the size of Viduka's arse - to
understand football.

The simple game is as complex as hell. Or should that be Hull ?

Coventry decided from the offset that they'd only allow their players 1
at a time into the Leeds half - like thieving gypsy schoolboys being
rationed entry into a Newsagents.

Leeds, in their infinite wisdom, decided that they should keep 4
defenders back at all times, just in case.

This meant Coventry had 11 men behind the ball at most times and Leeds
only had 6 players trying to get past this solid wall of shite.

Well it doesnt take a rocket scientist to realise that Leeds created
very few chances. The Leeds back 4 got out their deckchairs and donned
their knotted hankies. They looked out of place in the freezing fog.

Batty and Bowyer both ran about like a demented lab technichians who
had acidentally attached an industrial sized crocodile clip onto their
testicles. They wanted to win.

Bakke moved with the grace and effectiveness of a Dalek in quicksand. He
wasn't arsed. When the Kop sung his name he begrudgingly acknowledged us
- his eyes fixed half way up the East Stand. Do one Eirik !

Keane and Viduka were tightly patrolled by the Coventry minders. Houdini
would have struggled to break free from this grip. Wilcox auditioned for
the part of Casper the ghost.

Leeds simply had no ideas whatsoever.

Oh for a Tony Currie to take the ball in the middle and do something
with it. Oh for some overlapping full backs confident to push forward
and add width to the game. Oh for a slimline attacker who likes salad.

Rio got bored and ventured forward. O'Leary waved him back for fear that
the other 3 defenders may collectively get brain haemorrhages and allow
Coventry free.

At half time the paying public informed the millionaire dream team that
they were an overpaid shower of shite.

We were bloody awful.

The second half continued in a similar pattern to the 1st. As dull as
f@ck.

O'leary for once changed his tactics. His revised plan was to try and
bore the opposition to death. "You are feeling sleepy" they repeated
monotonously.

Enter Danny Mills - stage right. The thinking man's Neil Aspin.

For a brief spell Mills got involved. The mood changed from pathos to
slapstick. Whatever Midas touched it turned to gold. Whatever Mills
touches turns to dog shit.

The crowd awoke to the smell of fresh dog excrement.

The Kop roared with laughter at the right back's parody of a top flight
professional footballer. Lesser men would have wilted.

However Millsey's skin is thicker than a Scooby Doo Viduka snack. He
tried. His confidence not dented - he tried. Not many Leeds players
appeared to do the same.

Viduka twisted in the box ("oh he is playing" said the Kop) and his shot
was cleared from the line. Mills picked up the ball and majestically
picked out an unmarked Keane, via 5 bobbles, a shin, 3 rebounds and a
scuff.

At this moment in time Robbie Keane keeled over backwards from sheer
boredom. As he fell the ball struck his boot and flew inside a
hypnotised Hedman's post. 1-0

Coventry who up to now had playacted at every 50-50 tackle and spent an
age to take any throw-ins suddenly quickened up their act. It didn't
matter though cos they are woeful and there would be more chance of
Peter Beardsley scoring in convent than Coventry getting an equaliser.

Mills continued to entertain and his long range shot clipped a post.
Viduka was set up superbly by Keane but he pulled his angle shot wide.

Every time Mills got the ball the crowd shouted SHOOT ! Audience
participation at its finest. I'm assuming the SHOOT referred to Danny
having a shot on goal rather than a command to O'Leary to pull the
trigger.

The game ended. It was easier to clap and keep your hands warm than
simply stand there wondering what this silly game of our is all about.

If football was meant to be enjoyed then i'd rather be watching the
Krankies in a Blackpool pier special with a pin stuck in my leg.

Football is about 3 points however, and we got them all.

Post match, O'Leary said he cant wait for the season to end.

How interesting.

Scoreboard of Justice
----------------------

Martyn 6 frozen spectator
Mills 9 Comic genius
Harte 5 stood about like a lemon
Rio 7 tried to start a few attacks. Looks far too good for a central
defender
Rads 6 A snowman could have done his job.

Bowyer 8 Inspirational
Batty 8 100% Leeds
Bakke 2 Go home and come back when you've stopped sulking.
Wilcox 2 "Invisible, it feels like i'm invisible" - Alison Moyet

speaking of which - how about a Viduka-Moyet look-a-like ?

Viduka 4 Not really his fault that there was no room or penetration,
but at times could have been mistaken for a giant fridge freezer.

Keane 10,000 Didn't do much but his sheer class won us 3 points and
that deserves 10,000.

subs used :-

why are you reading this line ?

--
stotty

www.astott.demon.co.uk

(LUFC match reports, cartoons, and Flash movies)