Inside every fat footballer there is a thin one trying to get out.

Mark Viduka need not bother trying. We love him as he is.

Before the match the players stood listening and nodding to Brain (sic)
Kidd and Eddie Gray. Mark Viduka was by far the biggest player in the
team. As tall as Rio Ferdinand but twice the width of the world's
costliest defender. He looked a fearsome sight.

Dont be fooled. Viduka is not fat, nor is he big boned. He is just one
very well built man who just happens to feast on copious amounts of pies
in his vast amounts of spare time. Its just a hobby.

Viduka's stock is rising faster than his wasteline.

The Spanish and Italian giants, usually no mugs when identifying
talent, are trying to lure the Big Man away by leaving a trail of
breadcrumbs from his house back to Milan and Madrid. A trail of
mini-pork pies and/or scotch eggs and the plan may well succeed.

This week the numbers bandied about regarding Viduka have been 18, 20
and 22 million pounds. No - this is not a guess-the-weight competition
but the perceived price of OUR larger than life character who cost us a
paltry 6 million - exactly half of what Jimmy was worth when he walked
out on Leeds 2 years ago.

In days gone by a player returning to Elland Road would have played a
blinder and scored at least 2 goals. Not now. All those hoodoos and
voodoos are long gone. This new Leeds is mentally strong enough to
resist anything. This is a renaissance.

Hasselbaink had a stinker. My head rolled down the steps of the Kop as I
laughed so much my loaf of bread became detached. The cocky Dutchman had
no answer to the taunts from the unforgetting and unforgiving Leeds
fans.

Viduka, on the other hand, wanted to prove he was no flash in his
over-ladened frying pan.

At times Viduka looks lazy and slow. Other times, usually when he's
going down hill, he looks like a runaway train. A runaway train with a
neat step over and a deadly eye for goal. What he lacks in pace he makes
up for in brute strength and skill.

Most people dont appreciate the physical side to Marco's game. Ask Jon
Terry or Marcel Desailly what they think of Viduka and they will
probably show you the bruises. In a week where Premier League players
decide their player of the year it comes as no surprise that Frank "shit
french bastard" Leboeuf nominated our very own Wizard of Oz. Frank knows
a thing or two about playing football and has medals to prove it !

Mark Viduka - please dont go - we need you.

I will even personally start up a Pork Pie/Pasty fund for you if its the
food/money you're after.

Chelsea won the toss and forced Leeds to shoot towards the Kop first.

Bastards !

The game was so typical of Leeds-Chelsea it was like watching a video of
yesteryear but with different faces painted on.

Tackles were flying about like in the 70s. Earlier I'd said "hello" to
Norman Hunter outside the ground and he must have been itching to get on
the park and give Dennis Wise a good kick in the bollocks for old times
sake. The petulant little Chelsea shithouse has lost a yard of pace but
still knows how to wind up everybody on the park (and off it.)

Both sides enjoyed little spells of pressure in what was a very tight
and compressed game. Le Saux got the better of Mills and crossed into
the box - Harte's shin tried to beat Martyn but England's no.1 tipped
the ball over. Amazing save.

Leeds hit back and Chelsea's goal lived a charmed life as the ball went
everywhere except into their net. Smith and Viduka linked well, Bowyer
ran from deep and Mills and Harte started advancing down the flanks.
Kewell without fail tried to take on all 4 of his Chelsea man-markers in
one go. He rarely succeeded - not surprisingly.

Dacourt was outstanding in the horribly congested midfield. He was like
a robot following his simple instructions with monotonous regularity.

-----------------------------
Oliver Dacourt program V1.0
----------------------------
Win ball

Turn away from marker

Run with ball into space

Pass ball to better placed colleague.

stop, look knackered.

repeat til end or when battery is low.
----------------------------------

At half time the players left the field to boos - mainly directed at the
referee who had a shocker of a game. When he failed to book Terry early
on for a rough tackle from behind on Viduka it set the tone for a very
ugly encounter. What little football that was played came mainly from
Leeds and we were unlucky to only be level.

Half time - some bloke on the pitch won a 100k house. It looked like an
invisible house with just a front door to me. He looked a bit foolish
when he opened the door with his lucky winning key only to find nothing
inside. Football has gone mad.

Chelsea started the 2nd half the better but Rio and Big Dom ensured that
the only effort Hasslewank and Horseface Zola had was a curly wurly 25
yarder from the Italian which clipped the outside of the post. Martyn
had it covered.

Leeds came back into it and Bowyer had 2 clear chances saved by
Chelsea's keeper. The first a header which produced one of the finest
saves I've ever seen and the 2nd a more comfortable parry when Bowyer
was clean through.

For a few distressing minutes Rio Ferdinand lay flat out at the far end
following a heavy challenge for a header. His season looked over. The
Leeds physio attached some jump leads to his ears and seconds later Rio
was running about again like a spring chicken.

Chances were at a premium and Viduka carved out an excellent opportunity
as he swivelled in the box and thrashed his shot agonisingly wide.
Chelsea won a succession of free kicks as Wise and Hasselbaink conned
the ref with pathetic dives. Dacourt went into the book but the edge
he had was not lost.

When Jimmy lined up a free kick 20 yards out we all feared the worst.
The voodoo curse WOULD strike. Instead of hammering the ball towards
goal Hasselbaink tried to push the ball out to Melchiot who was unmarked
out wide. The overhit ball ran harmlessly out for a goal kick. Jimmy
looked perplexed. He tried to blame Melchy but everyone knew who's fault
it was. The Kop peed themselves laughing.

With just 10 minutes remaining O'Leary thought it appropriate to unleash
our own 12 million pound striker into the game. Within 5 minutes the
genial Irish spud muncher had unlocked the Chelsea door. Bakke's flick
allowed Keane to go one on one with Cudicici and after a quick one-two
off the keeper's body Keane carefully nudged the ball home and
cartwheeled over the East Stand.

The Leeds fans were in raptures. The taunting began. Jimmy looked
uncomfortable.

With hearts still pounding and heads still spinning Harte's long ball
found its way, via Keano, to Lard Arse. The giant Oz fended off Desailly
as if it was a race to the chippy and a stride later Viduka smashed the
ball 20 yards out straight into the top corner.

WHAT A GOAL ! Leeds had sealed the win they so deserved.

The crowd went ballistic for the 2nd time in as many minutes. Viduka
slid along the sodden turf in celebration. The groundsman shook his head
at the furrow the big Aussie left.

Hasselbaink had nowhere to hide as Elland Road revelled in his
misfortune and miscalculation in leaving this new hot bed of soccer !
Jimmy went crimson. Well - sort of.

Hasselbaink is a greedy bastard but then so is Viduka. In Jimmy's case
his greed is for money but for Viduka his motivation is GOALS

and pies.

Scores
------

Martyn 7 - tipped a Harte deflection over the bar somehow. 1 other save
to make, that was that.

Mills 7 - tough game against Le-Homo-Saux but just edged it

Harte 7 - caught out a couple of times at the back but crossed well and
generally steady

Rio + Matteo - 9 a piece, work very well together as a central pair -
didn't give Jimmy Piggy-bank a sniff. Zola was unusually quiet too apart
from 1 shot that Martyn had covered anyhow.

Bowyer - 8 Covered every blade of grass on the pitch several times.

Batty 7.5 Got stuck in, as if we expect anything else !

Dacourt 9.5 - unbelievable game. In the minefield of the midfield he
consistently won and held the ball in the middle with apparent ease.

Kewell 6 - everytime he got the ball he tried to beat his man. Failed
miserably. Needs to learn to occasionally pass the ball early.

Smith 9 - Work rate was phenomenal. Gave Dessie the Jessie and Terry a
torrid time

Viduka 8 - Put himself about in a very physical game. Scored a peach of
a goal from 20 yards. Worth 30 million ! Had periods of inactivity but
its not easy carrying all those sandwiches about.

subs/

Keane 8 (for Kewell) - In his 10 mins on the pitch scored and help set
up the other. A pocket genius.

Bakke 7 (for Bowyer) - Nudged the ball on for Keane's decisive goal.

--
stotty

http://www.astott.demon.co.uk

(LUFC match reports, cartoons, and Flash movies)