Leeds 1 Boro 1

New Years Eve...

The tall, powerfully built Australian glanced nervously around the room.
Nobody had recognised him. He drank purposefully from his pint glass of
golden lager. As the glass returned to the table he noticed the deep red
lipstick residue . His wandering fingers wrapped around a curl in his
long blonde wig. He didn't like dressing up as a woman but this was the
only way he could avoid the persistent public gaze in this unforgiving
parish.

He wandered over to the bar to replenish his supplies. His steadiness in
the high heels gave him confidence. He smiled. It was at this point he
noticed the eyes. Across from the dance floor. The Eyes pierced into
him. He was afraid. A bead of sweat ran the length of his strapless back
and nestled into his suspender belt.

The Eyes approached. He held his breath.

"What are you doing here ?" hissed the Eyes.

"Listen..I..Kells...I just needed a pint...besides what are you doing
here ?" The Australian then noticed the slinky black number that the
Eyes were wearing. The dark mascara contrasting perfectly with the pale
cheeks and glistening blue eyes.

"Marco, dont come the wide c@nt with me ! I'm club captain when Lucas is
out - so dont fecking clever it - OK ?"

"Look Kells, its 3am lets get a large kebab and talk this over"

The Eyes nodded reluctantly but then sparkled becoming more animated -
"I've got a couple bottles of the old malt in the house that Hartey got
me for Chrimbo. Lets go !"

Marco smiled and as he followed Kells out into the cold air he noticed
what a lovely erse his stand-in captain had. "Give us a snog Kells" he
pleaded.

New Years Day....

A number of years ago not-so-professional footballers had a reputation
for drinking lots of ale before and after big football matches. Nowadays
with the massive cash injection into the game, the huge rewards on
offer, the large price of failure, the constant public demands and
attention means that most footballers would rather cut their own
testicles off with a blunt scythe than be caught supping a pint of the
amber nectar.

Nobody, it seems, has told the Leeds players.

Leeds have the 3rd best squad in the Premier League. A manager's dream.
We are 13th in the league. The league rarely lies.

Liverpool, Arsenal, Leeds are searching for this magical commodity
called consistency. Leeds need look no further. We are consistently piss
poor.

Sunderland, Ipswich, Newcastle , Leicester are not a patch on Leeds in
terms of ability. But they all work their socks off and as a result are
in the top 7.

A successful team needs to strive for the 4 Ps - Power, Pace, Passion,
Panache. We have the 3 As - Abject Ambivalence and Apathy.

The Leeds players appeared for the 2nd half a few minutes before the
Boro players or officials did. This presumably was to avoid the tea cups
that DOL was throwing at them after another insipid 1st half display.

It worked briefly as Leeds tore into the Smoggies for 15 minutes. At
last the crowd found its New Year voice and things looked sparkling
white. Leeds had 3 appeals for penalties and the 1st and least likely
one got the spot kick from the myopic David Ellary.

With Harte on the bench who was to be our penalty taker ?

Viduka hovered around like a hungry wolf outside a chicken shop, Keane
picked up the ball and brushed the Aussie aside. Viduka looked affronted
but when Keane whispered "I'll buy you a family pack of Asda pork pies
and 10 bags of quavers" the Big Man looked appeased.

Keane effortlessly stroked the ball in and cartwheeled in front of the
adoring Kop. He attempted to rous the crowd further by shaking his fist
at them. Nice try.

Leeds determination soon fizzled out.

Boro's 8 man back line gave Leeds precious little in way of clear cut
chances. In fact we had none.

The first half was a similar story, Leeds had all the possession, Boro
sat back, Leeds went nowhere. Out of the blue Boksik left 3 Leeds
defenders nattering to each other about knitting patterns on the half
way line and he clipped the ball past Robinson as if he was not there.

Boro fans sang a bizarre tune. They were entitled to cos this was a
bizarre game.

In the final 5 minutes of the game when it was expected that Leeds would
be tearing into the opposition, Boro sneaked forward and had Stamp not
dithered about so much when clean through, then Leeds would have been
beaten. Again.

Four minutes of injury time still produced no urgency in the team or the
crowd. Smith battled bravely for a throw in level with the Boro box. He
chased after the ball, turned to throw it quickly BUT no Leeds player
was within 20 yards and none made any effort to get close. That summed
us up.

Remember when that injury time board against Barcelona showed "4"
minutes ? - they raised their game even further and got the goal they
deserved.

Today we couldn't be arsed.

Poor Batty tried hard on his 1st full game back but he looked tired and
old. Bless him. He's the same age as me and when I got home I checked my
face for wrinkles and applied mountains of Oil of Ulay to any cracks I
found around my eyes. Strangely my old man has no wrinkles at all.

However when I get out of the bath after half an hour it usually has
lots.

Today the 2 Leeds fullbacks had acres of space to exploit but both
Matteo and Kelly failed miserably to deliver.

At least we got a point.

Scores

Robinson 5 - two saves to make all game. Saved 1, missed 1

Kelly 3 - Considering he had 10 pre-match vodka redbulls he did ok.
Next time you have double vision during the game though Gary - choose
the other ball.
Matteo 4 - Has contracted Mad-Kelly disease. Shit scared to cross the
ball.

Rio 5 - Nice on the ball but 2 huge gaps appeared in our defence.
Radebe 5 - As above.

Bowyer 7 - Ran well with the ball. Should have had at least 1 penalty
Dacourt 7 - The usual commitment and skill
Batty 5 - Looked like a retired homosexual - ring rusty !
Wilcox 5 - Like Batty looked off the pace and not match fit.

Viduka 3 - Lost the ball for the 1st goal. Looked disinterested. For a
big man gets knocked off the ball very easily
Keane 7 - All over the place, only himself and Bowyer had any
confidence to try and do something positive with the ball. Why did he
come off ? Great penalty !

Subs/

Smith 6 - Full of energy but should have replaced Viduka much
earlier.

Crowd 3 - does anyone give a flying fcuk anymore ?

Boro 5 - boring but hey ! why not be ?

El Tel - fcuk off you bent bastard....it was a penalty so shut your big
fat southern gob.

Barnsley will be shitting themselves.

Happy New Year.

--
stotty

www.astott.demon.co.uk

(LUFC match reports, cartoons, and Flash movies)